Well that sterile title deals with a multitude of sins (not mine)...

I have been 'coming out the closet' as far as my past abuse is concerned and I am touched that my brother has given me permission to mention him and is along for this journey.

I was born in 1962 and perhaps many of our generation were treated badly but I have been told (and I FEEL) that our hell was excessive. When my brother and I were still young enough to share a bath it was normal for my Dad to hold Mike's head under the water for...a LONG time. We were kicked in the stomach, thrown around rooms, spat on, humiliated. I had neurological problems (maybe caused by all the head bangs) and would be paralysed but would be beaten severely for 'not moving' - I was actually physically paralysed. My earliest memories (now flashbacks) are as a baby spattered against walls, thrown across the vast continent of the living room, screamed at.

We were hated with the venom that only the tuly mentally unstable can employ. We were taken to the edge of death and knew we were worthless outside how we could be used for others' release. Every second was misery and fear, pain and worthlessness.

Doctors have had tears in their eyes while we have told them our story and we were just confused...you mean EVERY child isn't brought up like that?

I am sick of Death.  He has been my companion since I was a baby, waiting for me... we have closely touched too many times.

I have written a book with a true balanced account of our lives.

So my dad asked to be here last weekend for my birthday ( I haven't seen him in years). Instead of the tall, large-handed, snarling youthful man of my flashbacks a white-haired old inoffensive, if eccentric, fart presented himself. I was cold. I am still suffering, my brother is still suffering because of his sadistic cruelty (one of the hard things to process has been how he and Mum ENJOYED the results of the terror and pain they inflicted upon us. Mum would laugh when we cried at the beatings, Dad would hit us until we stopped crying.).

I got to tell him what REALLY happened. He'd 'forgotten'. I held fast and told him, not with anger but just in the way that I share it with my friends. At some points he had tears in his eyes as I told of the damage, the realities for his children.

He said he can't change the past but I said he must bear witness to what has been and continues to be instead of his children carrying HIS problems; how my brother and I work so hard to overcome, to grow and be better, and that the least he can do is witness the pain.

I said it is easier for me to forgive him for what he did to me than for what he's done to my 'little' brother.

 

So a lot has happened. I am crying but happy, released but burdoned. To Little Hazel and Little Michael: I spoke up for you and you are being heard. There's more to come, we'll weep and play and celebrate together.

Oh my dear, sweet, darling friend... My heart is breaking for you and Michael, and as I read your post again and again, tears of outrage, anger, pain, and heartbreak blind my eyes to what I'm trying to write.

I understand abuse all too well. I have been there. Not to the extent that you were, but the brutality is all too familiar. I wish I could hug both you and Michael, right now - I hate that we are separated by continents and oceans - just to share your pain and let you know how very important you both are to the world. I wish I could reach inside of you both and hug the children who were so badly hurt, so damaged, so broken by such incredible violence.

Well, I can't be there for either of you physically, but my spirit is reaching out to both of you and trying to wrap itself around you and mother both of you. What you have shared here has taken tremendous courage, my beautiful friend, and I want both you and Michael to know that you are worth fighting for, and that you are worthy of love, and that you deserve to be loved. Your father will face his karma; what goes around comes around...

Holly, I am sorry that you know of abuse. I wish my brother and I were freaks living in a vacuum and everyone else didn't suffer. I SO appreciate your empathy and insight. I'm tired now by today's journey...but thanks for witnessing and loving...

My dear Sister Hazel. It seems like the stories of what you & Mike had to endure as children never end. It just rips at my very soul the pain you both felt as children. I cry with each heart wrenching story of yours & Mike's childhood. I would give anything if it could of been different for both of you.

You & Mike have such big hearts & you both love so unconditionally. It's a bloody miracle that ya'll can love so freely & be so caring of others when all you was taught from your parents was pain & hatred. Hell, when you get right down to it, it is a bloody miracle that either of you are with us today.

I will never forgive your parents for what they did to you & Mike ! ! !

I am so great full to have you both in my life. I Love you & Mike so much ! Both of you are wonderful & deserve so much. So believe it ! ! !

Jerri, thank you. I cannot speak for Mike but, for myself, I don't want anyone to be distressed by our story. That you witness our story, help us bear the aftermath, show us what love is, see our true worth, is more than I'd have hoped for (or understood) all those years ago.

Dad agrees with you! He says it is amazing we are still alive...

I don't want you to not forgive our parents (but I understand because I hate them and can't forgive what they did to Mike).

Mike and I have been kept alive by OTHER people - thank you for being one of those.... :-)

In the dungeon the moonlight shines through the window....and is appreciated more than the brightest sunbeam.

im sorry sorry that you had to ever endure abuse, and my heart aches for you.

I am so sorry that this happened to you both. I hope you see how strong you are for facing your abuser. I am so glad to have found you. Blessings to you and mike!! Wow, i am in awe of you both for your strength!

Hazel just popped by after you posted on my blog.

It breaks my heart to read of stories like yours and your brothers. Children should be loved and cherished they are a gift and to not appreciate that is a crime. I am glad your experience although horrific, has obviously given you an inner stregnth and confidence to talk about what happened, I feel it is important that people know this happened and still happens and that we are not afraid to talk about it. These subjects should not be taboo or those of the tabloid media they should happen in every day life, so people are not afraid to speak out and children do not have to suffer this sort of assault once let alone for all their childhood which should be such a innocent and special time not one wondering where the next punch was coming from :(

From my limited knowledge of abuse and child protection (worked as a nurse with children so had some training and saw how things should work to protect them), having each other was probably one of the things that helped you both get through.

Take care
K x

Thank you so much, Kaz. And you're right on the button: we DID keep each other alive and, horrible though it is that my brother had to suffer too, we can endorse each others' experience and say, "Yes, that DID happen. I remember it too. I felt the same way too." Otherwise you think you're going insane and imagined the whole thing (but WHO could imagine that?).

My hope is that child abuse stops and both Mike and I have supported charities to try and help this happen. It's a long way off but I hope our society is developing awareness and the language to explore this..

Thanks you again!!!

I wasn't aware that you left a comment on my blog,until now.Thank you for the comment and I am very very sorry for what you have been during your childhood.I was really mad at that "cellar man",now I can't imagine that I am talking to someone that had an abusive father before.I am glad on the other hand that you and your brother have overcome those past years,glad also that you don't hold rage in your heart.Take care!